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A Common Theme in Grief

Writer's picture: Tracy ChalmersTracy Chalmers

Updated: Aug 27, 2024

Yesterday I partnered with Ranger and the More Than Human World to support someone in deep grief.

Companioning the bereaved is included in the end of life Doula scope of practice - this can look like many things. Yesterday it looked like moving through this griefy place, Deer Lake Park, on this wet, grey day - external matching internal. We walked and talked, I listened - lots of listening, lots of normalizing, validating feelings and experiences, I praised all the examples of self-compassion and healthy boundary setting shared. I held space for her pain, letting it hang like the fog - I breathed with her, letting it just be what it is - enormous, undefinable, wild and unpredictable.

After catching her story, I pulled out the threads of connection, meaning and love and wove them up to the surface. I shared her story back, shiny parts and all - in no way minimizing her pain - simply weaving in the beautiful parts, there is always beauty to be found. Just like that grey day, there were herons and cormorants, and laughs at Ranger trying to catch a squirrel. This retelling, of a softer-edged narrative is spoken as a gift for her to move forward with.

On the drive home, I was reminded of a common theme in grief, one that this woman was struggling with - how grief rearranges relationships. How it is so heart-breaking for the bereaved to be deserted by people they expect to show up for them, and how it is equally surprising to find support in folks who, before the loss, were more distant friends. This seems to come up so often, so let’s normalize this and also do what we can to show up for others when we are needed the most.
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